On Learning Something New, In Midlife, In Public.

I completed my first yoga teacher training almost a year ago and have been leading a few classes each month since. I’m still learning to be a teacher. 

It has been a refreshing joy to learn something new in midlife. Learning for the sake of learning and curiosity. Following an instinct, a wondering. Can I do this? I think I may have something to offer, so what happens if I try? Pursuing something completely unrelated to my professional career. Trying something new, for me, now.

It’s also been a massive lesson in vulnerability and being seen.

I haven’t heard any teacher say they immediately felt ready to teach after a 200-hour training. But we’ve all done it anyway, because you can’t learn to teach and feel confident in teaching without actually teaching, a lot. 

And that means being seen. Even when you’re not perfect. Even when you stumble. Even when you mix up your lefts and rights and forget the twist on the second side. This isn’t like learning to crochet where you can attempt your first sweater and unravel your mistakes in the privacy of your own home.

It’s a humbling contrast to feeling secure and confident in my professional abilities, skills I’ve been cultivating for over 20 years, where I have the comfort and wisdom of experience. I walk into the yoga studio to lead a class and I’m still finding my sea legs. Some days are smooth, and others are less so.

Recently the owner of the studio, a teacher I look up to, attended my class. I was excited to have her there and it revved up my nerves. I was also trying out a completely new spin on my flow for the first time. 

It turned out that it wasn’t my best class. I could immediately tell where parts of my new sequence felt clunky, and when my cueing didn’t feel quite right.

It wasn’t like some of the best teaching experiences I’ve had, when it just flows and goes. When I can hear it in the rhythm of my words and I can feel the energy in the room from the students, like we’re all riding a wave together. When it’s more like conducting a stream of energy than effortful instruction. This class wasn’t like that. There were some nice moments I was proud of, but as we wrapped up I wished I had stuck to a more familiar flow I felt more confident in, where I’ve experienced that sense of cohesion.

Something I say while teaching is that it doesn’t matter if you do a pose perfectly or not. If your tree is wobbly today, that’s fine. It’s still tree, it’s your tree, in this moment. Can you accept that some days balance is harder than others, even though you don’t know why? Sometimes the pose you struggle with is the best pose, because you can learn the most from it.

I realized the same is true about my imperfect class in front of my teacher. Sure it would have felt great to absolutely nail it and feel like I did a great job while she was there. I would have felt so proud. My ego would have been delighted. But then we wouldn’t have had the conversation we did after class, where I confessed what didn’t quite go right and she offered helpful feedback and encouragement. I went home and immediately began working on tweaks and adjustments to apply what I had just learned. I was excited to teach a new and improved flow again in a few days for a class I was scheduled to sub.

While flopping a bit in class, in front of a mentor, felt cringey, it was ultimately a much richer experience than receiving a pat on the back for a job well done. I am going to be a better teacher for it. “You learn more if you don’t do things perfectly” is one of those simple but not easy lessons. It’s simple to say, simple to hear, but at times, excruciating to live. 

And as a yoga teacher would say, and that’s why we practice. Each time you experience a wobbly moment on your mat, you become a little more equipped to handle those not-what-I-wanted moments in life, and perhaps experience the growth they may offer.

P.S. 

I spent a few days practicing my tweaked and adjusted flow, and refining my cueing. It transformed from feeling like something was wrestling with to something that was dear to me. In class a few days later, it felt so much smoother. It was a nice class and a confidence-building teaching experience. And I’ll definitely be teaching that flow again.